[Mom] What Section?

C- SECTION! Well…. that wasn’t planned.

I had an emergency C-section. And I can honestly say it was the most terrifying experience in my life thus far.

But first let me say this — for the mothers that voluntarily chose to have a c-section, don’t be ashamed. There are upsides and downsides to both every way of delivering, but know there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with having a c-section. It’s a wonder what our bodies go through as women is miraculous. You have grown a human being! Little eyeballs, little toes, fingernails, that all grew inside of YOU! Own that shit and have that baby however which way your body is comfortable.

People would ask me, “You gave birth naturally right?” or just assumed of the same. For a while I would reply ashamed “No, I had a c-section. But it wasn’t planned, it was an emergency.” I don’t know why I answered this way. It’s like I made an excuse for having a c-section. For a while I didn’t understand why I felt ashamed or embarrassed that I delivered this way. It was my first stab of mom guilt. MOM GUILT IS REAL PEOPLE! I haven’t even delivered and already I felt like I was failing my baby as a mother.

But I had no choice. I was going to have a c-section and it was going to be now.

I was brought into this cold and bright operating room. Even though the room was bustling with at least 10 other people, this was the first time me and my husband have been separated for days! The past few days my husband, God bless him, never left my side and I wasn’t ready to be without him, especially at this time.

Thankfully, I had an amazing nurse who coached me through the whole thing as best as she could. She was blunt and straight to the point, yet soft. She was exactly what I needed. She tried to comfort me with the fact that I had the best OB – and boy was she right! What I didn’t need was for the anesthetist to poke me with that damn needle 3 times! Once I was on the table, I shivered uncontrollably. I don’t know if was the anxiety or the fact I was freezing, but my teeth have never chattered so hard. The thought of my organs sittingĀ  beside me on a separate table truly frightened me. I didn’t know if they had already sliced me open or someone’s hands were searching for my baby, but I couldn’t feel any pain – just weird pressure.

It felt like forever, but finally my husband was by my side again. My husband has a pretty good poker face, but I could tell he was going through a whole whack of emotions himself. I didn’t know who was going to have to be stronger for who, haha. I feel like I’ve seen G’s facial expressions in different situations, but the look on his face when we first heard our baby cry was unlike anything I’ve ever seen. We were both in tears. I was so thankful our baby had arrived and I couldn’t wait to see him.

There were so many emotions that I went through that day, some more than others, but one feeling that I’ve never felt before once I held my baby with my husband beside me was complete. I have my family. I finally felt complete.

 

 

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[Mom] The Beginning

…or so my husband calls it.

“The beginning” could depend on what you want to hear/read – how far should I go back? To when I first found out we were pregnant? When we decided to have kids? When we got married? When we met?

“The beginning” in this case, according to my husband, goes back to an appointment from what I thought would be a seemingly predictable and normal ultrasound. My whole pregnancy I went through the normal symptoms: morning sickness, food aversions, swelling, and gestational diabetes. I was more or less considered “low risk” throughout my pregnancy and even passed the genetic diagnostic tests.

That is until we found out there was a slight abnormality. We were told by our Doc that our baby’s femur was measuring shorter than average. We were told it would be nothing of concern and not to worry as this fits our physical characteristics (my husband and I are noticeably short). Although she tried to reassure us everything was probably fine, there was something about her facial expression that threw me off and just didn’t sit right, which made me consider things. My mind started to wander to the worst case scenarios possible. What if his other bones are shorter? What if he’s not growing properly? Did I eat enough? Did I eat the right things?! Oh god – what if its a developmental disorder? The thought of my baby any less than normal shook me and I needed my mind to be at ease. After much thought and consideration with my husband, we decided to take the doc’s offer on a follow up ultrasound, which probably the best decision we’ve ever made.

We saw a specialist the same week who confirmed our baby had a short femur, however there was nothing to be alarmed of. He was a quirky man with a funny sense of humor that I just met and for some reason I felt comfort and relief from him. But that was short lived. I had low amniotic fluid. At that time I was ordered by the Doc to go straight to the birthing unit for fetal monitoring until baby arrived. Although this was alarming, there was a calmness and a sense of true reassurance from him. I knew we had done the right thing by deciding to do a followup ultrasound. So off to the hospital we went!

I can see why my husband considers that moment “the beginning”. It was the beginning of when our lives really started to change.